Channeling Paradise

I was feeling down last week and served myself tea at a cafe table in my bedroom to try to duplicate the feeling of eating somewhere besides my house. It actually felt really peaceful, and that got me thinking—what are some other ways to duplicate the pre-COVID travel experience? I have some ideas for you.

Pretend like you’re in a hotel—everyone in the house should sleep together in the guest room. Make the bed with your nicest sheets and add one hair that doesn’t belong to anyone in your family. The kids can sleep on thin blanket pallets on the floor. Everyone trade pillows. Make sure the covers are either too warm or too cool, and play loud music until 3am to simulate the nearby hotel discotheque.

Set alarms to play unusual noises all night: a garbage truck, bottles clinking, doors slamming, people calling out and laughing indistinctly from far away. Wake up early but don’t serve breakfast until everyone has taken turns using one bathroom. Then give everyone five pretzels and a peanut butter cracker. Drink bad coffee out of an old mug that might not be clean.

Replicate the hotel’s spa-like shower—get in while the water is still freezing. Turn it as hot as possible—scalding! Now turn it all the way cold. Then hot, cold, and hot again. Don’t let the temperature get comfortable. Continue this for the duration of the shower. Wash with a tiny bar of soap, and turn the shower off while there’s still soap in your ears. The drain should definitely be slow so there’s water around your ankles. The next day, only turn the shower on in a dribble. Everyone should share the same two damp, scratchy towels. Not showering is also an option. Sit extra close and smell each other a lot.

Make sure everyone brings a suitcase into the guest room and scatters their clothes around on the floor. Change bras in the same room as your kids without scaring them. Verbalize your lack of privacy.

If it’s cold outside, blast the heat and seal the windows shut. If it’s hot outside, blast the heat but crack open one tiny window to ventilate to simulate Europe in the summer.

Let your kids stay home from school and spend everysinglemoment within 10 feet of each other. Walk 6-10 miles in a day and maybe skip meals. When 3/4 of your family has cried at least once you may return home and order take out.

If you have a comfortable couch, don’t use it. Find the worst channel on tv and play it in a different language. Let the kids eat crackers on the bed you will sleep in tonight while they complain about being bored and bounce around. You can’t find any ibuprofen for your headache.

Most travel is best of all in the anticipation or the remembering; the reality has more to do with losing your luggage. Regina Nadelson

Let the kids stay up too late. Have your son clog the only toilet everyone is using about 30 minutes past bedtime. Go out and buy a plunger to simulate waiting for the front desk to come fix it. Only put out one roll of crappy toilet paper and fight with your spouse when they use the whole thing in one sitting.

You always forget something on vacation! Take one core essential item of your daily routine (contacts/glasses, toothbrush, a razor, face wash, deodorant, all your clean underpants) and throw it in the garbage. Fun!

Wear the same three things for a week so they smell a little stinky. Try to wash them late at night in the bathroom sink, then wear them again in the morning while they’re still damp. Your kids should be out of clean underpants by now.

Have an argument with your spouse in front of the kids about whether the family should cram more things into the next day’s schedule. Continue whisper-fighting and occasionally making agressive eye contact as the kids fall asleep.

Wow, that was pure nostalgia! Now it’s your turn: what are some things you don’t like about vacation? Enjoy hotel living at home, and don’t forget to set those alarms.